I was reminded recently about a bottoming class I taught at the start of lockdown 1.0 and as we enter lockdown 3.0 I’m wondering; will I ever feel that confident in my bottoming abilities again? Because right now I certainly don’t.

Inactivity, insomnia, naps, furlough, too many snacks, lack of routine and socialisation, have meant that the great intentions I had to use the time at home to tie more with my partner went out the window. Neither of us quite feeling it at any give time. The adage ‘tomorrow never comes’ comes to mind.

And the less we tied, the less confident I felt, the less confident I felt the less I want to tie. So here I am stuck in a catch22, and maybe saying it out loud will help.

Anyone that has spoken to me in person or online or attended classes I have co taught, knows that some of my passions are to empower, inform and above all else support every person that wants to be in rope so that they feel confident to explore themselves. And yet here I am saying ‘maybe tomorrow’ and feeling like a fraud.

So what now? Am I ‘done’ with rope? Do I want to be? Hell no! Maybe it’s time a take a dose of my own medicine, and maybe sharing will help anyone else having similar feelings

As I move into 2021 its easy to be filled with big plans, I want to feel as confident in myself and my body as at the start of 2020, to become the Shibari pretzel of my dreams…..or was that just a pretzel? I forget now. Big goals are great, but for me its important to remember that its those little steps along the way that help achieve them.

So; what would I say to someone who came to me and asked for advise if they were in a situation like myself. (Because we all know sometimes its easier to be kinder to others than yourself)

  • Be kind to myself, no one in our generation has lived through a situation like this, it’s OK to not feel like doing things I normally enjoy. Its OK to have just ‘survived’ this year, because that’s an achievement.
  • Remind myself why I enjoy rope, the joy, pain and connection it brings. What bought me to rope, go back to the fundamentals from my bottoms perspective and see this as a whole new journey to understanding my love and desire for rope.
  • Re-frame, so it was a shit year, but that means this can only be better.
  • Reading this will be the first time I have shared so extensively how I am feeling with anyone, not only does this let people I live with know what’s going on, it also means I am acknowledging my feelings and owning them, which for me is a great step to not brushing things under the rug and waiting for that tomorrow that never comes.
  • Remind myself things I have achieved in 2020. Its not all doom and gloom! This years been a challenge, but me and Hiigara have quarantined together and worked from home successfully for 9 months…..and we are both still here, together, lost jobs, new job(s), relationships, friendships, moves and still some laughter along the way.

So, if like me, this quarantine didn’t turn into the debauched year of sex, kink and BDSM, fuck it (quite literally once the worlds safe again). But for now, I’ll be kind to myself, celebrate little successes and remember that rope doesn’t have to be perfect to be fun, it doesn’t have to be technical to be sexy, and after all, it was the eroticism and emotions that drew me here in the first place.